10 Things That Random Kid You're Watching Wishes You Knew

Whether it's a foster kid, your grandkid, or just the random neighbor kid who spends five out of seven nights of the a week camped out in your living room, kids who are missing one or both parents seem to find people (particularly mothers) who watch out for them. These are some things those kids can't say to you (but I can because I was once one of them):

 

Try not to single us out. We know we're different. We know this fact better than anyone because everywhere we go someone reminds us by hugging us, exclaiming over us, or making a fuss over us. Let us be one of the crowd while we are at your house. If we screw up, let us know. If we break a rule, let us get in trouble. And please, whatever you do, don't tell your kids to treat us better because we are missing our parent. We need our friends to accept us just the way we are, not because their parents are telling them to do so.

Give us a part of the routine. If your kids have chores, give us chores. If your kids have a designated homework times, make us do our homework then too. Our lives are chaos right now and any bit of routine, no matter how tiny or seemingly insignificant, is a relief.

Teach us. Many of us, especially females who lost a mother very young, may not be aware of basic hygienic routines, let alone anything to do with puberty and the like. If you're teaching your kids to brush their teeth after eating, to take regular showers, to tie their shoes, and how to match their clothes, please teach us too. And, if you can get permission from our parent (and, of course, if you feel comfortable doing so) help us to understand puberty too -- it's not fun to go through without a guide.


Sometimes we are as upset about leaving your house as we are about arriving (and that's okay). We know our loyalties should lie with our biological family, but sometimes, especially if things are particularly rough at home, we really don't want to be there. And frankly, we don't always want to be anywhere else either. We're a little bit confused about what we want, give us time and plenty of love, we'll settle down. Though if you can encourage our parents by letting them know we didn't spend all day (or weekend or week) crying and that we talked happily about home happenings too, that would also make these transitions easier.

Listen to us. Sometimes things can get really rough at home and we may need to tell someone. I know sometimes we lie, but in between we may be telling the truth however we can. Please listen to us and get us the help you can, even if it's just a hug or a promise to let us stay over more often. 

If someone mistakes us as one of your kids, don't correct them. We spend a lot of time as the outsider, the one that doesn't belong, the random kid at someone else's family picnic -- any scrap of belonging to an actual family is a balm to our broken sense of the world. (Obviously if the child is particularly vocal with irritation about the outsider's assumption, don't ignore this, instead try to be calm about the situation, odds are they may secretly love the suggestion that they actually do belong to someone.)

We may not be that great at expressing genuine affection (but that doesn't mean we aren't feeling it). Remember, we told our parent that we loved them and then they left us. Expressing affection may seem dangerous to us and we also may not be sure where the line is. Are we allowed to tell other people's parents that we love them? Are we allowed to hug them? Is any of that disloyal to our missing parent (or the one at our actual home)? Extend affection towards us and allow us to express it back however we are able.

We know we're acting up (please forgive us). Just like with expressing affection, our negative behavior is a way of testing to see if you'll leave us. Give us boundaries and expectations and clear consequences and, I promise you, we'll settle down eventually. (On the flip side of this, don't worry if we never give you trouble -- that fear that our bad behavior caused our parents to leave is a very real one.)

Please don't forget us as adults. For many of us the full extent of our missing parent is hitting us hard as we navigate our twenties and we need a guiding hand just as much now, if not more. Remember, our family may be just as broken now as it was when we were a child and we may lead fairly solitary lives/be alone on major holidays. If you knew us as a child or teen, try giving us a call or if you know a young adult who is missing one or both parents, reach out to us. I promise that we'll appreciate it (even if we're still not very good at telling you.)

Thank you. Maybe we say it, maybe we don't. Maybe we apologize and express gratitude over tiny little things and maybe we've never said a single please or thank you in all the years you've known us. But we feel it. Your sacrifice to give us meals, read us stories, take us to sports, help us with homework, drag us along to family vacations, teach us to ride a bike, and listen to us tell you about missing teeth, first loves, and all the hundreds of little things that no one else wants to hear except a mother -- none of that is taken for granted and it is always, always remembered.